Wednesday, December 29, 2010

MY EMOTIONAL CHRISTMAS EVE

Below is a post I wrote today on my For Your Tears blog.
I feel that God also wanted to share this with each of you.

I have a story to share with all of you. I was overwhelmed with emotions when I attended the Christmas Eve Candlelight Service last Friday evening. I was just a mess, holding back tears the whole time. So many emotions flowing through my heart and mind. On Christmas day I received an email from a baby lost mother (BLM) who lost her Ryan Elizabeth on November 23, 2010, she was born still. They are currently living in Germany, please feel free to visit her blog Livin' for Ryan and send her your love. She was thanking me for her handkerchief which helped her through the last month and was wishing me a Merry Christmas.

Things like this don't just happen without God being involved with each detail. I was sitting at my computer in tears reading her email and I made a decision that I wanted to share my Christmas Eve with her. This is what I wrote in my email to her:

"Thank you for including me in your wishes. I was at church last night, I always go on Christmas Eve and I was overwhelmed with emotion last night. All the children dressed in their new Christmas clothes, sweet babies in their mothers laps, grandparents with the biggest smiles loving on their grandchildren and I just started crying. All these emotions flowed through me and I was thinking of all the BLM's. I could never say I know how you feel but last night I came really close because I seemed to be mourning a loss myself but in a different way. I turned 59 this year and I so desire to have a grandchild. My children are not sure they even want families and I mourned for what I don't have. Our daughter lost a baby at 12 weeks into the pregnancy 8 years ago in October. They had only been married for 3 months when she found out she was pregnant. They were not ready and did not want to become parents but accepted it as best they could. When she miscarried it was more about her life then her child because she bled badly and wasn't doing well. I never really mourned for the lost child. She was okay and she really never felt the loss in the way others do. I did mourn for this baby last night. My mother passed away at 56 from a massive heart attack. She was blessed to see all of her grandchildren, our daughter being the youngest at 10 months old. I worry about never having a grandchild to hold and love. I am overweight, have COPD and high blood pressure. I wonder if I will ever get to do that but I know now that I also have a baby waiting for me in Heaven. It all hit me last night in church. I have never shared this story on my blog but I know that I will. God has placed this on my heart to share what happened and my own desires. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Have a blessed day. ((HUGS))"

I haven't shared the story of our daughters miscarriage because I never new how to explain it, the words never would form. I think that maybe I have been worried about how it would be received since she didn't feel the loss in the same way as all of you. There is nothing wrong with how she grieved, it was just her way. Obviously this is my time to share, time that was given to me from God. This blog did not come about because of what happened to our daughter. This blog came about from something that happened almost 11 years ago. Now here I am typing with tears forming in my eyes. I just received a Christmas card from my dear friends in Chicago. It's been a long time since they have sent us a card, not because they don't care about us but as you know after you lose a child your life changes.

They lost their young son to suicide, he was in the 8th grade. I immediately flew to Chicago to be with them. When I came home from that trip I had bought her a music box with the song "Wind Beneath My Wings" which is what she played for him at his funeral. I also included a handkerchief and told her that it was for her tears. I shared their story here, that is where it all began but I never knew how to get a handkerchief out to people until God gave me the insight when I started my blog Just Breathe.

In there Christmas note to us we found out that our dear friend, her husband, had a torn aorta back in February which almost killed him. This happened two weeks prior to the 10 year anniversary of their sons death. They say that 80% of the people die from this, he survived and the nurses called him a miracle. Also in their letter, something I didn't know about was that they also had twin granddaughters in September. My heart was thrilled with this news but heavy with my own wants. They were 9 1/2 weeks early, they have thrived and survived.

Then today I received a very sad but beautifully written email from a woman who lost her 24 year old son, he had taken his own life. They were celebrating their first Christmas without him and it hit me hard. She does feel blessed to know that he is in heaven and that she will be with him again. Please send her some love at Joyful Noise for a Joyful Life.

I know that God brings people into our lives when we need them and when they need us. The Christmas Eve Service, the emails I received that touched my heart, the letter from our dear friends in Chicago are all examples of Gods timing. I think of my friends in Chicago and how blessed they are now to have their two little granddaughters who are bringing joy into their lives yet I know from her letter that the pain of losing their son is ever present in their daily lives and she said it just keeps getting stronger as time goes on. This is just so sad and my heart breaks for all of the parents in our world who have to live with this pain forever in their hearts. I believe that God has a special surprise for all of you when you meet your children in Heaven. You can not live your life with so much pain and not be rewarded for it! (that is just my feeling)

I pray that all of you are blessed with happiness beyond measure for the New Year. I pray that your dreams/desires can be realized. I pray that you can feel what it's like to be blessed with your rainbow baby like so many have had this year. I want to point out Ashley at A Ruby Family who was blessed with her rainbow baby Christopher Charles this December and what this Christmas meant to her. She lost her son Nolan on June 11, 2009 and lost her brother Charles on July 13, 2010. I pray her happiness for you. ((HUGS))

Happy New Year

With all my love,

P.S. If you are in need of a handkerchief for yourself or someone you know who lost their baby/child please email me at dpucci9972@gmail.com





37 comments:

Parsley said...

Thank you so much for sharing this.

Headless Mom said...

I know that your heart aches for all of these families. I know that you would love to be a grandmother, too. The other thing that I know? Is that you are a blessing to grieving mothers. God has given you that gift and you are using it well. xoxo

Shell said...

You really are such a blessing to those moms. Thank you for sharing.

I have tears in my eyes and don't know what else to say, but I just wanted you to know that your words mean something and are head.

nancygrayce said...

Oh, how I pray you get a grandchild! My first came way before I thought I was ready and as she flew back home today, I wondered anew at how precious she is to me.

I lost a baby in between my two boys. At the time, my husband who didn't really want another child, was not so nice or comforting to me and I didn't know how to grieve.

This was so sweet and touching and thank you for sharing your heart!

Amy said...

Debby I have to say what you have done for me and many other women out there is great. You have been my rock and my friend through all I went through this past April.. I am so glad you are in my life and are there to support me.. You are a wonderful part of my life and I hope you know you have Alyce and I to be there for you.. We love you.. THanks again..

Terra said...

Debby, you have a sweet and a giving heart, and thank you for sharing all of these stories with us. God is at work within us and you are helping people, I can tell.

A multi-dimensional life said...

God has gifted you with a beautiful heart...a heart filled with compassion and understanding.
You have been a great blessing to so many grieving parents;those who have lost children as well as those who are hoping to have children (or grandchildren) of their own. Yes, I agree that the celebration the "BLM's" will have will be a joy-filled reunion which words can't describe. I pray for each and every person you mentioned and those we don't even know about.
I'm so thankful for you and your ministry! God will bless you for this love you give so freely!
I believe you will be a grandma (but if not on earth...I know those babies in heaven will see you as their own)!!!
Love and hugs from Chicago!
Lorraine xo

Rochelle@AFamilyofLooneys said...

Debby thank you for sharing your story. You are a blessing from God. I am so glad that I got to meet you through blogging.

Holli Taylor said...

Beautiful post...

Karen Mortensen said...

Thank you so much. Your words were beautiful. I really do believe that God sends you people when you need them.

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

What a special post...so glad that I stopped by

Garden of Egan said...

Thank you for sharing that post. It was beautiful and heart wrenching.
You are a wonderful woman.

CRY said...

First I must tell you that You are BRAVE to let all this out. If you were here I would love nothing more than for you to be a grandma for my daughter. She doesnt have any grandparents in the same town and I long for her to have a grandma like I did when I was growing up. She was my best friend.
As for the handkerchiefs I always have one in my purse to give away and one I use that one of my best friends gave me that was her mommas and it has many tears and memories on it. Someday when you really feel you are in need of a special hankee you let me know and I will get it in the mail immediately! My love and heart goes out to you and for those who have lost their children, no matter what age, they are with my Jesus now awaiting the arrival of their loved ones when that special time comes.
xoxoxxo my friend

Trennia said...

Thank you for sharing it means alot to us momma's that have lost a child.
My oldest daughter's friend was killed yesterday in a car wreck please keep his family in your prayers as well as my daughter's.Thank you

Caroline said...

Beautiful post and you are a very amazing women. I'm so glad to be your my friend. Love you and all you do. {{{HUGS}}}

Noelle said...

You carry so much in your heart, for yourself and others. Thinking of you!

Laura said...

Debby-
What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing all the stories of those who have touched your hearts, but thank you for also sharing your own story here. I think that often the grandparents are forgotten when a baby is lost. I had a grandma contact me through my Pause blog and I felt so horrible for her. I know that my parents grieved Andrew just as I did- and I want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I do pray that you get to have those human babies that you dream about as I know that you would make for the most wonderful of grandparents!
As for Christmas Eve service- I was crying too! (In both services we went to). Every time I sing Silent Night, I lose my voice- thinking of another babe who sleeps in heavenly peace. Wishing you peace dear friend!
Love to you!
Hugs-
L

laurie @ bargain hunting said...

This is such a touching post Debby. Your heart is so big. I know that you must have touched so many lives with your hankies. I am so sorry for your loss of your unborn grandchild. I know you must mourn the loss even more because you are facing the prospect of not having grandchildren. I'm saying a prayer that God will comfort you, just as you do God's work by comforting others. Sending you hugs, laurie

Goose Hill Farm said...

Dear Debby~

What a beautiful post. You are such a blessing to so many!

GOD BLESS YOU!

We all love you!

Sarita Boyette said...

What a beautiful, poignant post!Debby, you are grieving for your grandchild, and I would be, too. Maybe you want to journal about the baby. Your ministry is such a blessing to so many - we are here to help you if you need it. Thank you for sharing. I'm so glad you heard from your friends and learned of the miracles in their family.(((HUGS)))

LynnMarie said...

What a beautiful post! You are a blessing to those woman who received the handkerchief. You gave them the OK they so deeply needed to morn. I pay you will enjoy the special bond of a grand child as do many here today. I also pray you can take control of your health so that you will live a long time for enjoy many grandma years.

Amy said...

Have an amazing day....

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

What a beautiful post from your heart, sweet Debby. Your heart of love and compassion is such a blessing to so many. I'm so grateful that you shared all of that. Sometimes, I am overwhelmed with emotion for all of the loss around us...but grateful, too, for the comfort we have in the arms of our heavenly Father. Praying that He continues to comfort you with His love and peace...


Sending love and prayers and wishing you a blessed New Year, my friend...

Sonya said...

you have such a sweet heart! that is what I love about you! Everytime a comment pops up from you in my email I can't wait to read it because I know you will have something sweet to say! :)

I think it is good you shared your story of your grandchild. Everyone grieves in their own way, what is right for them. I know that my mom and dad didn't grieve my brother's death the same way as each other and I certainly didn't grieve it the same as they did.

I love that I have my parents here to share my children with. You can be their "blog grandmother!" :)

edshunnybunny said...

What a sweet, poignant, post--written by a beautiful person!

You are so right about everything being in God's timing, and I'm willing to bet that will apply to you becoming a grandma here on earth, too. It's all in God's time, not ours. Don't give up hope.

Best wishes for a happy new year,
Kathy

Together We Save said...

You are so kind and thoughtful. Your love is felt by so many even though you don't have a grandchild yet. {{{Hugs}}}

Kerri said...

thanks for sharing .. i know it must be hard and i find myself asking when i will meet the right guy to start a family with because my parents also really want to be grandparents and i feel bad like im letting them down. i feel like ive been very good and didnt get pregnant in high school (no disrespect to anyone that did) i want to date, get married and have kids in that order and i feel like time is running out :/ not for me but for my parents to be around to see everything
i hope u get ur wish and hope they try again ..u have all the love in the world to give ...u deserve it as do ur kids

Michelle said...

Thank you for sharing.
Even tho I haven't lost a child, I am in tears.
Our family is going through hard times and I only see 2011 as getting worse, not better.
I am trying to be optimistic, but it's not easy.

sarah said...

wow debby...this post really touched me. I know there are so many hurting out there....thank you for sharing these stories. Hugs to you and wishing you His absolute best for twenty eleven....I think you're the best. .

Amy said...

Have a safe night tonight.. I will see you in next year..

Randi Troxell said...

thank you for sharing this.. i know it meant something MAJOR to some us out here...

happy new year!

Trisha Larson said...

Thank you Deby. You just touched my heart in a very profound way. Perfect timing for starting a new year.

Hugs,
Trisha

Kirby3131 said...

What a lovely post. Grandchildren don't always come when you call them. My poor momma had to wait until my younger sister had children, since I never gave her any. If your children do not give you grandchildren, you can always volunteer to sit with newborns in the NICU units. They need unconditional love.

Nichol said...

Absolutely beautiful. It breaks my heart for all the families out there who have lost little ones or even older children. It happened to me almost and I couldn't imagine. God bless you. So glad I have had the chance to follow your amazing blog in 2010 and looking forward to 2011!

Adoption of Jane said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I felt you were connected to the BLM world in some way and knew you'd share in your own time. Thank you for all you do for us. I love my hankerchief. God Bless you Debby! And you will hold your GrandAngel in heaven!

jayayceeblog said...

Oh, Debby, there are no words ... Thank you so much for sharing this. Sending you love, prayers and hugs!!!

Brandy@YDK said...

Debby - thank you for sharing your heartache with us. I hope that your friends help you with your tears as you've helped them.

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