Friday, March 16, 2012

SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW



Her name is Dorothy and she is my Mother. Thirty years ago today my Mother passed away. If I remember correctly my Dad and Aunt Laurie were both at the hospital with her but she actually passed away at home. They never called us to come to the hospital. They went to my brothers house to tell him and then they came over to my house. Then my father asked me to drive with him to my sisters house which was further away. I had this vision of walking into her house, crying while we hugged. That never happened, it was kinda strange. Nothing against my sister but she wasn't a hugger. It wasn't until my mothers funeral when my best friend (Diane) walked in and hugged me. (I really needed that) My mother died from a massive heart attack. We played "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" at her memorial service.

I remember the evening she passed, getting home and checking in on my sleeping little ones who were 3 and 10 months old. Then I sat down in our family room and cried. I remember the light on the table next to me started to blink. It happened over and over again. I took that as a sign from my mother. I said "Hi Mom" and still do when lights flicker. Nothing was ever wrong with that bulb. I have had this sign from my mother several times over the years. Also at my parents home the clock above the kitchen sink had stopped running which we believe was the time she passed away. It was a plug in clock and no other power ever went out. After her funeral, going back to their home and sitting in the kitchen the clock started running again. We took it as a sign from her, see was okay.

I don't have a lot of memories of my mother. I don't like even saying these words but it is true. I am not sure if I was just born this way or learned to hide memories growing up. I know that my mother was a wonderful woman with a heart of gold. She never stopped helping people in need. She also had some hidden mental illness that was never shared with me as a child. People didn't share things like they do today. When you are younger and you are visiting your mother in the hospital, a place where she was locked in a ward, it would have been nice to have an explanation. I think I may have been in my own little world by then. She even tried to kill herself once and I know my sister found her. No one really talks about it. My family can be quiet about things. Me, I am not so quiet!

Little did I know that nine months after my mother's passing my husband would leave me and I became a single mother. We moved about a year later to a smaller place and I had to start working full time while my children went to day care. Those were hard years. I have never been one to look back and say I had a hard childhood. I remember good times and my needs were always meet as far as I know. I do know that my father worked nights and no one ever seemed to worry about me and my homework. I actually don't remember doing much homework. I look back and wonder how I actually made it through school. I wish I had more memories from my childhood.

Now there are plenty of things I remember about her when I was older and she was suffering in her mind. She also drank a lot. Those were sad times. I have always thought how nice it would have been for my mom to be here today with all the advancements in medications. I think she would have been happy. Back in the day they only gave out Valium and that only numbed her. I do know that when she passed I felt that she was finally happy. What can be better than being in Heaven with God? AMEN!

I miss you Mom and I love you with all my heart.



21 comments:

Hilary said...

Oh Debby, I am so sorry.... What a beautiful post... It is so sad that when your mom was suffering, the help that there is today wasn't available...

I so understand the light flickers. I often feel that my dad sends me signs when I need him...

Kathy ... aka Nana said...

You know, I admire your honesty in sharing this. It's beautifully refreshing. My mom passed over 6 years ago, and my sisters have declared her the saintliest of saints. I loved my mom, and I miss her ... but she had her failings, just like the rest of us.


It's a shame that the kind of help that your mom needed wasn't available to her.

Secret Agent Woman said...

That was a lovely and refreshingly open post. Thank you for sharing that - it's clear how much you miss your mother still.

nancygrayce said...

I love the honest sharing of what goes on in our lives, both past and present. My mother suffered from a hidden mental problem too.....we never even knew about it until her youngest brother mentioned he was writing a book and that would be part of it.....I know my mother was very upset with him for "letting the cat out of the bag" She was in the state hospital for one month as a young girl.

With love there can be many other things. That was a sweet tribute to your mother.

April said...

Debby,
Thank you for sharing the pain of your loss and what you've been through with all of us. It's never easy to lose your mother, regardless of age or circumstances. My mom died in 2000 and it changed me. There's a hole in my heart that can never be filled.

Rochelle@AFamilyofLooneys said...

Debby my friend I am sorry. I think that it is wonderful that your mom let you know she was ok. I can remember when my Grandmom passed away we always had a family Reunion and she always came. My daughter was around a year old and she kept staring at the spot where my Grandmom always sat. My daughter kept smiling and laughing like someone was talking to her. I have always felt that my Grandmom was talking to her. It is such a gift when someone we love lets us know that they are ok.

Furry Bottoms said...

I really appreciate all the signs you mentioned. I, too, take those kind of things as signs. It gets confusing for me now because I've had too many deaths in my life, so I don't know precisely WHO is saying hello to me. Light bulb going off... then coming back on after a while, that's my nephew. The doorbell ringing (I have a flasher specific for the doorbell, because I'm deaf)and nobody there, and my dogs did not even bark that's one of my old friends. My fire alarm also flashes from the ceiling, but there's nothing going on, and that's one of my best friends. It is very comforting to know we are still thought of when someone passes on.

Joanne said...

My heart breaks for you and your Mom. I am sorry that you didn't get to know her without the mental illness. One thing you will always know is that she loved you...or else she would n't have taken the time to try to reach out to you after she passed away. and yes she is finally at peace.
Blessings, Joanne

Chatty Crone said...

I am sad that you had that happen to you. I know part of our past makes us who we are. I think it made you a heck of a wonderful woman! Is visiting home this week making you think of the past - still having questions? Love and hugs. sandie

Trennia said...

I wish I was there right now to (((HUG))) you.This is such a beautiful hearttouching post about your mother.My mother suffered from depression,I remember some but not much about it.
Thank you for sharing your momma with us,God bless you.

Love Of Quilts said...

This was a very touching post.You are not alone in not remembering your childhood. I only can remember the bad parts. Your mom was a nice looking woman and what a handsome dad you had. I do wish you had a picture of your self on here.

Holli Taylor said...

Thanks for being so open and raw...it's like a picture clip into your past that have shared with words.

Sonya said...

You look so much like your mom. Thinking of you today.

That corgi :) said...

I am so sorry, Debby; we always miss our moms, no matter how many years they are gone; it sad though with your mom that she didn't get to see your children grow up and do well for themselves. I think it is neat how God sends us signs about our loved ones, for me like I wrote about, it was a hawk. It is good to know too that one day you will see her again and it will be for all of eternity. She was a beautiful woman!

betty

That corgi :) said...

I am so sorry, Debby; we always miss our moms, no matter how many years they are gone; it sad though with your mom that she didn't get to see your children grow up and do well for themselves. I think it is neat how God sends us signs about our loved ones, for me like I wrote about, it was a hawk. It is good to know too that one day you will see her again and it will be for all of eternity. She was a beautiful woman!

betty

Polly said...

This is a lovely tribute to your mum.

Holly said...

things were def diff back then and you're right that they kept things hush hush. I'm glad that today there's help for people who need it. I wish your mom could have had that.

Alexis AKA MOM said...

Beautiful post and memory. They are always watching us. When I was having Cole one of the machines started doing the chims that my grandmother had on her door. The nurse kept saying how odd it doesn't usually make that noise. My mom and I just turned to each other and said it's Grandma.

Hugs and love coming your way!

Tami said...

What a beautiful post. I'm so sorry that you never experienced your mother as every child should. You are so right about how things could different today with the advances in medications and treatments.

I'm glad you have received comfort over the years from the "signs" from your mom. And you're so right, there is no better place to be than in Heaven with God.

Bless you!

Mary said...

I can't imagine how hard it was to have your mother pass when your kids were so young, and then going through the divorce and not having your mom with you must've been really difficult.
Check out the book "Angels on Board". I got it free for Kindle a few weeks ago.

Heather said...

Oh wow, I got chills reading this. For the signs of your mother's presence, as well as what your childhood was like. I think it was so much harder back in those days, where people didn't talk about things. My mother has suffered from migraines since her 20's, but doctors used to tell her she was making it up/hysterical. It's weird to think that people would try to hush up depression/mental disorders, when they are normal, and common. I cannot even imagine being a single mom with two very young children like that...and having to support myself and them. I have a LOT of respect for what you did. I can imagine it was a very hard time for you, losing your mother as well as your marriage, and having to keep it together for your kids. You are amazing!

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