EXCUSE ME WHILE I POUT....

....and I try to put on my big girl panties.

I was spoiled as a child. I pretty much got what I wanted within reason. I didn't have to clean house or do the dishes. I barely kept my room clean. My mom was an awesome housekeeper and after I married I also kept an immaculate house. It's in our blood, the blood that flows with OCD. Then about 17 years ago I had gotten ill. With some stressful times I had a full blown asthma attack. Spent 8 days in the hospital while they were trying to get my lungs to function properly.

After coming home I wasn't able to do many things around the house. My husband did a lot to help out. Eventually little by little I got my strength back but I have never been the same. In some ways it was a good thing to let go of the obsession of cleaning. I use to be the type of person who moved the washing machine, dryer and furniture all the time to clean behind them. From the time the kids left for school until they came home I cleaned house!

So fast forward to today.  You have heard me say I want to be a Queen but I didn't realize that I was actually pretty fortunate the last few years. Isn't that something like "You can't see the forest through the trees." So we moved into our new home 5 1/2 years ago and it's almost twice the size of our last home. I was struggling to keep it clean. About three years ago Amber started coming out once a week and was helping to clean our home. She welcomed the extra money. Well when they moved in two years ago it became her job since they were given a very nice gift of living here with us.

Well as you know Amber has gotten her full time job at Hallmark which of course involves a 40 hour week. She was working about 20-25 hrs. before.  She truly does not have time to clean our home anymore. I get that, however I do not want to do it. I loathed it!  Since I do not want a stranger in my home I am not in the market for a housekeeper although maybe my mind will be changed quickly with time. Did you ever spend time talking yourself into something you didn't want to do? Yep, that's where I'm at while the house falls to the wayside.

Well I've had to bite the bullet and get my butt in gear.  I'm not liking it but I'm doing it. My plan is to do a room each day so it doesn't overwhelm me. Also with my COPD I can't manage to do a lot more than that. Well I have done a great job of putting those daily chores off. So a few weeks ago I spent a Saturday dusting and vacuuming 4 rooms. I DID IT! Not convinced that I like it but maybe with time the pride that I use to have in my home will come back. It's amazing how lazy we can become and how lazy breeds lazy. It takes strength to face our challenges. I know what your thinking, heck we all do this everyday what's the big deal......well it's a big deal to me!  

I still dream of being a Queen!

UPDATE: I cleaned house all day yesterday and did laundry. Absolutely no issues with my lungs. Still not using Primatene Mist which I couldn't live without before. I am also off of all steroids for about a month now. I don't know this woman! I actually think I might be able to do some hiking in Mammoth Lakes this year. So I thought I would show you my husbands office since I spent quite a bit of time dusting it yesterday. (I guess the house cleaning is a good workout for me too!)

I have my own office too which is bigger than his but certainly not as neat/clean. (I dusted that last weekend) I actually spend my entire day in my office. He has our older love seat in his office and I have the couch in mine, the chair and ottoman are in our bedroom. What I don't have is a really nice chair like he has! My office is where I do all of my blogging and TV watching too since Mark watches his shows in the family room. We each have our own DVR! (actually that is pretty sad because we don't spend our evenings together except on the weekends when we watch Netflix movies)

Have a nice weekend. We are celebrating Father's Day tomorrow since Mark has been out of town since last Sunday so I am looking forward to a nice meal out!  Sorry this came out so long :(

 

SLAP ME NOW !

Yes, reach through your screen and slap me.......then say a prayer because someone has possessed this body of mine and I don't like her. I feel like the worst mother in the world right now. Dear daughter if you are reading this I am sorry.

I am having a horrible time with the changes that are happening. One minute I am planning stuff in my head and the next I am crying. I am feeling like someone is taking over my life and making changes without asking me. I feel unappreciated for what I am doing. Granted I'm not doing it with smiles on my face. I am yelling and complaining every step of the way.

I know some of the reasons behind this anger. See because of my asthma I am unable to do allot of things, I get winded easily. My mind doesn't accept this with grace and my heart aches for what I can't do. So my daughter is helping and so is my husband. That means I have to give up my pride. I still want to believe that I can do it all. I am too young for this, my aunt was doing more at 90 then I can do now. It pisses me off! So harsh words come out of my mouth.

I have been moving things to new locations in the house and they are not sitting well with my soul. I liked where their locations were. I understand that they have to be moved or packed up in order to give them our two guest rooms but I'm feeling unsettled. Then I am accused of having too much stuff. We are moving things into our master closet which can handle it all but it looks more like shelves in the garage then a closet.

I have so much to be thankful for. I know this so why am I being such a b*tch! How can someone who has a caring heart treat their daughter/family this way. God has blessed me with so much and I am being a very poor example in His eyes.

Thank you for listening to me. As I am typing this I have been up for over 30 hours. Going to have a glass of wine and hopefully sleep all night.

I'M WAITING FOR MY SLAP

I have read over this several times wondering if I should post it or not. I've decided to post it. I need to be accountable for my actions. I do want you to know that my daughter and I are fine. We can always kiss and make-up. I pray that she can move past my bad days and knows how much I love her.