MY EMOTIONAL CHRISTMAS EVE

Below is a post I wrote today on my For Your Tears blog.

I feel that God also wanted to share this with each of you.

I have a story to share with all of you. I was overwhelmed with emotions when I attended the Christmas Eve Candlelight Service last Friday evening. I was just a mess, holding back tears the whole time. So many emotions flowing through my heart and mind. On Christmas day I received an email from a baby lost mother (BLM) who lost her Ryan Elizabeth on November 23, 2010, she was born still. They are currently living in Germany, please feel free to visit her blog Livin' for Ryan and send her your love. She was thanking me for her handkerchief which helped her through the last month and was wishing me a Merry Christmas.

Things like this don't just happen without God being involved with each detail. I was sitting at my computer in tears reading her email and I made a decision that I wanted to share my Christmas Eve with her. This is what I wrote in my email to her:

"Thank you for including me in your wishes. I was at church last night, I always go on Christmas Eve and I was overwhelmed with emotion last night. All the children dressed in their new Christmas clothes, sweet babies in their mothers laps, grandparents with the biggest smiles loving on their grandchildren and I just started crying. All these emotions flowed through me and I was thinking of all the BLM's. I could never say I know how you feel but last night I came really close because I seemed to be mourning a loss myself but in a different way. I turned 59 this year and I so desire to have a grandchild. My children are not sure they even want families and I mourned for what I don't have. Our daughter lost a baby at 12 weeks into the pregnancy 8 years ago in October. They had only been married for 3 months when she found out she was pregnant. They were not ready and did not want to become parents but accepted it as best they could. When she miscarried it was more about her life then her child because she bled badly and wasn't doing well. I never really mourned for the lost child. She was okay and she really never felt the loss in the way others do. I did mourn for this baby last night. My mother passed away at 56 from a massive heart attack. She was blessed to see all of her grandchildren, our daughter being the youngest at 10 months old. I worry about never having a grandchild to hold and love. I am overweight, have COPD and high blood pressure. I wonder if I will ever get to do that but I know now that I also have a baby waiting for me in Heaven. It all hit me last night in church. I have never shared this story on my blog but I know that I will. God has placed this on my heart to share what happened and my own desires. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Have a blessed day. ((HUGS))"

I haven't shared the story of our daughters miscarriage because I never new how to explain it, the words never would form. I think that maybe I have been worried about how it would be received since she didn't feel the loss in the same way as all of you. There is nothing wrong with how she grieved, it was just her way. Obviously this is my time to share, time that was given to me from God. This blog did not come about because of what happened to our daughter. This blog came about from something that happened almost 11 years ago. Now here I am typing with tears forming in my eyes. I just received a Christmas card from my dear friends in Chicago. It's been a long time since they have sent us a card, not because they don't care about us but as you know after you lose a child your life changes.

They lost their young son to suicide, he was in the 8th grade. I immediately flew to Chicago to be with them. When I came home from that trip I had bought her a music box with the song "Wind Beneath My Wings" which is what she played for him at his funeral. I also included a handkerchief and told her that it was for her tears. I shared their story here, that is where it all began but I never knew how to get a handkerchief out to people until God gave me the insight when I started my blog Just Breathe.

In there Christmas note to us we found out that our dear friend, her husband, had a torn aorta back in February which almost killed him. This happened two weeks prior to the 10 year anniversary of their sons death. They say that 80% of the people die from this, he survived and the nurses called him a miracle. Also in their letter, something I didn't know about was that they also had twin granddaughters in September. My heart was thrilled with this news but heavy with my own wants. They were 9 1/2 weeks early, they have thrived and survived.

Then today I received a very sad but beautifully written email from a woman who lost her 24 year old son, he had taken his own life. They were celebrating their first Christmas without him and it hit me hard. She does feel blessed to know that he is in heaven and that she will be with him again. Please send her some love at Joyful Noise for a Joyful Life.

I know that God brings people into our lives when we need them and when they need us. The Christmas Eve Service, the emails I received that touched my heart, the letter from our dear friends in Chicago are all examples of Gods timing. I think of my friends in Chicago and how blessed they are now to have their two little granddaughters who are bringing joy into their lives yet I know from her letter that the pain of losing their son is ever present in their daily lives and she said it just keeps getting stronger as time goes on. This is just so sad and my heart breaks for all of the parents in our world who have to live with this pain forever in their hearts. I believe that God has a special surprise for all of you when you meet your children in Heaven. You can not live your life with so much pain and not be rewarded for it! (that is just my feeling)

I pray that all of you are blessed with happiness beyond measure for the New Year. I pray that your dreams/desires can be realized. I pray that you can feel what it's like to be blessed with your rainbow baby like so many have had this year. I want to point out Ashley at A Ruby Family who was blessed with her rainbow baby Christopher Charles this December and what this Christmas meant to her. She lost her son Nolan on June 11, 2009 and lost her brother Charles on July 13, 2010. I pray her happiness for you. ((HUGS))

Happy New Year

With all my love,

P.S. If you are in need of a handkerchief for yourself or someone you know who lost their baby/child please email me at dpucci9972@gmail.com