Sometimes you just need to be open and honest. I'm not asking for your sympathy, you don't need to read this and you don't need to comment. I just feel I have to put this out there. I always tell the truth but that doesn't mean I share everything.
I found myself starting to get angry as my Thanksgiving day started. I started with the turkey to make sure it was thawed completely and figured out the time we need to get it into the oven depending on what time we decided to eat. Then I got all the side dishes ready and put them in the refrigerator until they needed to go into the oven.
I found myself feeling sorry for myself that my kids were not here with us this year. Mark was outside doing pruning and I was feeling so alone. Nothing to look forward to except for the meal. After the turkey went into the oven I had some time to myself.
I started giving myself a pep talk. Snap out of it Debby!! Your going to cook this dinner for you and Mark being thankful for the fact that your children are alive, healthy and happy. Don't we all want that? So I put a smile on my face, took my shower and continued to work on our dinner.
I felt a little upset that Mark never offered to help with anything but that's nothing new. That's when I get mad about having two chronic illnesses. Because I look normal on the outside no one really ever knows what your going through on the inside.
Anyway dinner was delicious. We had turkey, dressing, gravy, rolls, baked sweet potato, cranberry sauce, green bean casserole and scalloped potatoes. (bought those at Costco and they were amazing) I decided not to make fresh mashed potatoes.
Dinner was done, leftovers were put away, kitchen was clean and the dishwasher was running. I decided to sit down and watch some football with Mark. Then the other ball dropped. I got a message from my niece in Florida that her daughter Amber was pregnant.
Now don't get me wrong, I am thrilled for my niece, my great niece and of course my sister who will become a great grandmother. But there I was thinking to myself, my niece gets to become a grandmother before me. My sister has four grandchildren, the oldest being 22, and now she is going to be a great grandmother.
My heart flooded with jealousy. I'm not supposed to feel this way. I'm supposed to trust in God's plan for me but sometimes it just gets the best of me.
My mother died when Adam and Amber were very young. Amber was only 10 months old. They never got to know her. I feel like I'm following in her footsteps only I have lived 10 years longer than she did. I want to be known. I want my grandchildren to remember how much fun grandma was and have beautiful memories to carry in their hearts.
I know there is still time but look what my sister has had for 22 years. I want that! My body isn't what it was even ten years ago. How much time do I really have left. I was always thankful that my mom got to at least meet all of her grandchildren before she passed away but I want more than that.
I am well aware that what I am feeling cannot be compared in any way to what other people have suffered through and are going through right now. I am thankful to God each day for his generosity to me and my family. But what I am feeling is real for me and I'm allowed to feel sorry for myself. Thank you for listening.
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16 comments:
Oh Debby! I'm so sorry and I know you didn't write this for pity. But I want you to know I do sympathize and understand because I have experienced those feelings myself on holidays. They are hard sometimes ... many times downright depressing and I have given myself those same kind of pep talks. Not ever having been able to have children myself, I deeply love our step grandkids, but They. Are. Not. Mine to call my own as others do. And my parents never got to enjoy their grandkids growing up. And my sister has two adult daughters who have never even married yet and I know it is so hard for her to watch everybody else with families growing and grands coming and big family get together. We seldom get to be with our kids on holidays before others seem to get first choice. I say all that to say I get what you're saying. My big thanks is that DH is still with us and I'm thankful,fun for every day we have. You will be having those grandkids soon, I bet. And it will be a joy for you.
Your dinner plate looks absolutely wonderful!
I'm so sorry. I know you didn't write this for pity that you have just have enough and you are venting. I do sympathize and understand. I have experienced those feelings myself on holidays. I care about you! Love, sandie
I wonder why the holidays do that to us sometimes? I've been there too; wondering why life didn't turn out exactly how I had dreamed it would. I hope today is a better day and you will feel better about things!
Girl, I know where you on this. I've been there and go there from time to time. It really is frustrating to have the invisible illnesses. Fibromyalgia is mine and people never even think to step in and help with anything. I've gotten to the point I just go through the motions most of the time and when I hear people say things like, "We have so much to be thankful for" I immediately think sure if you aren't suffering, or didn't lose everything in a hurricane or fire or...and the list goes on. My anxiety gets the best of me more times than I want to admit and some days I'm just so sad because I'm no where near where I thought I'd be at this stage of life and I do so miss the love story I had hoped to live. But I do try to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get it together. And yes, grandchildren do help but you'll get there. I bet soon, too! And I know you'll be the best grandmas ever! Keep trusting. It's all we can do. XOXO
How close by are your kids? Invite them for a visit and re-do Thanksgiving. The one you just had was only practice! No one says it has to be on the exact day. You could even have each kid over one at a time and end up having multiple Thanksgivings. While they are there demand to know when they will be getting pregnant. They’ll love that. :)
I know just how you're feeling because I've had some issues of my own that I've been angry about. It does help to get it out and vent rather than bottle it all up. I've had to remind myself that I should consider myself lucky but it doesn't make the other stuff go away
So sorry, Debby. All the same, I'm honored that you trust us all with your true feelings; and it makes me less hesitant to do the same someday.
Hi Debby,
I do understand feeling frustrated and sorry for ones self. I have those days too, in fact had one last night about an issue.
I too can wonder, why does all the good stuff happen to everyone else? I know that is not right to think, I wish I would not, but sometimes I do.
I am sending a hug. Thank you for the honest post.
Carla
Dinner looked wonderful! You put a lot of effort into it and I would be a bit miffed if my hubby didn't help out with anything with it or at least make the offer to do so. It is so hard when the kids grow up and get a life of their own and aren't there for the holidays. Lately I've been wondering how much of my mom's life and times spent with my children will be passed down to grandson through son and likewise what will he share of hubby's parents; both sides he had a bit of a relationship with them. How much will he share of us or remember to share of us as his child(ren) grow up. I truly understand where you are coming from. I have considered making a memory book to give to son to share with his child(ren) of hubby and my parents with a little bit about them, us and things about us, including pictures. Might be something for you to consider working on if you don't have the chance to be around to be able to spend a lot of time with potential grandchildren. I know I don't have many memories of either set of my grandparents, only "met" one grandparent, my mom's mom and we had a language barrier of her speaking only Polish and us kids speaking only English.
Just a thought.......
betty
Oh, Debby. Our hearts are twins on this, the chronic illnesses and the lack of grandchildren. We are happy for those so blessed with new babies in their lives, but our hearts hurt because we don't know that joy and may never get to know it. It makes us want to scream, "WHY NOT ME, TOO, FATHER?!" Jealousy, envy, they make us growl and cry, if only on the inside. It makes it difficult to be fully happy for them, no matter how much we want to be. It is hard for others to understand when they have good health or a home full of grandchildren or both.
My heart cries with yours. No matter how much I try to tell myself and others that I have accepted this state of no grandchildren - and I guess I have accepted that I won't ever be a grandma - acceptance and liking it are not the same thing. It doesn't change the fact that I still want it. I want the same joy that others are having and this isn't just a holiday thing. It is an all year thing...every time an announcement is made thing.
{{{Hugs}}} We've got to find some way to help our hearts to deal with both of these significant issues in our lives. We just have to. You're in my prayers, for health issues and for heart issues.
It is good for you to vent/share your feelings. I can't say I understand or have any advice to share, but I do listen and care that you feel this way.
I am the opposite of what you shared with us. Bob said he wanted turkey, stuffing, etc etc. I said fine, you can cook it or we can go out. He chose out.... I have never cooked a turkey in my 73 years. mother cooked it and since I married Bob he cooks the turkey and stuffing, but the last 3 years he did not want to cook and since I am not going to cook that was that.
I hope you feel better after sharing how you feel. hugs and prayers coming your way.
I think the holidays brings so much out of our emotions. I so appreciate your honesty. I think we all have those jealous moments where we just feel like life is better for everyone else or we feel that longing of a better family/life/body/etc.... Just sending you hugs & to let you know you are not alone in your thoughts.
As long as it's real for you, that's what matters! And you are very much allowed to feel as sorry for yourself as you please. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.
Oh Debby! I think this is a completely legitimate feeling to have and I so understand your heart's desire. Praying God grants it for you. Hugs xo
You know I understand. This is not the pain olympics! You have unique ups and downs and so does everyone else. You are allowed to feel this way! Hang in there, friend!
Oh, Debbie, you do deserve to feel sorry for your self sometimes. And the fact that it was just you two gave you more time to think and feel about your situation. I do pray that you will have a grandchild while you are strong enough to play and have a good time with that child, or even children! Yes, God does know our plan but He is also there to comfort you Himself or through your friends. And you know I know something about those chronic illnesses. Before I retired 11 years ago at the age of 53, I don't think some of my family & friends really believed I was sick. Now, I'm hardly able to get around. My husband, though disabled himself does all the housework except when our daughter cleans twice a month. I'm so sorry that chronic illness befell you and that you want grandchildren. You are such a loving person & it looks like love has been sent to you today. I send mine, too, with a hug and a prayer.
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